year of the tiger

happy lunar new tiger year! after watching so many lol-tune tellers saying things like "you should wear red more often even during funerals. and always wipe your ass after going to the toilet even if you were just washing hands.", here's my prediction after consulting my plate of the Supreme Heaven Twirling Bee Hoon.

for those born in the year of ...

Rat
not a good year for you. in fact not a good year every year coz you are just a stinky drain-dwelling nocturnal which are treated as pests. or if you are lucky, you be featured as mutated hairy squeaks which drops useless junks in most video games.

Ox
ever since global warming has become a world issue, you bulls have a dog's life. they are blaming your flatulences as a major contributing factor and I know for sure 2 guys named ben and jerry gonna try some needle research up your udders so as to reduce some of that. stop mooing and start roaring already in this stupid cat year.

Tiger
after a year of bull (shit), it's now your turn. to do what? run for your lives idiots. rich dudes all over the world are like decorating their houses with your lice-laden pelts and even a local mag featured a local celebrity draped in that stinky shit. there's no such thing as year of the tiger.

Rabbit
our dear PM is worried that singaporeans don't like feline children so they are like waiting for another year before doing it like rabbits. for now just lie low and use protection. and I don't mean guns.

Dragon
what? u prefer to have wings like your western brethrens? and those gay looking eyes? what the hell for? it doesn't matter coz you are going to get slain in all those video games in all the 2D and 3D glories anyway. but hey it won't be that bad coz people always say "got dragon got tiger". hope your stupid cat friend can look out for you.

Snake
no I don't want no damn apples from no tree of knowledge. it's mandarin orange season and you want to sell me apples? have a better marketing strat please.

Horse
if you are like me who watches those NatGeo and Animal Planet channels, you know that horses and tigers don't get along. stop horsing around and start kicking some hairy cat butts.

Goat
like the damn long faced horses, you better get your act together this year coz the tiger who is your boss in your office will not give you good grass but cat shit to paddle and wade through. start acting like the peons you are.

Monkey
"the tiger is your big brother this year". the year of the ox is already over and people are still sprouting bullshit. have you ever seen a tiger and a monkey hanging out? yeah maybe when you see a stupid-looking ang kong siao with a scrawny stupid-looking emo kid walking together along orchard road. hardly the matching pair. watch your back before he tears your pinkish butt a new reddish asshole.

Rooster
every year, people all over the world goes through tonnes of chicken parts bearing names like KFC and popeyes. popular yes. fortunate? not quite. start crowing your way out of the deep fryer.

Dog
if you are female, stop bitching and if you are a guy, tell that bitch to stop bitching. start pissing and dumping crap at the right place and do bark at your owner if they are not wiping your ass with kleenex.

Pig
I don't understand why on God's green earth would anyone want to say, "hey let's take away the pig so that our muslim brethrens would not be offended." R McD decided that would be the way to go but come on, it's 2010 and not 1010. people here don't care liao lah. as long as your burgers stop shrinking and your dumb toys look cute, these tropical drones will still queue up to throw money your way.

do you want me to start on the gemini tigress who was born at 4pm in the crowded KK hospital afternoon?